Urges

I really want to cut

Like the urge I have is unbearable

Distractions Distractions

I need to find a distraction

All I can think about is where

Every knife or blade I have is

I need a drink

But if I drink I know I’ll cut

Since even without alcohol’s

Influence I am at risk

I walk the line of neutrality

Holding a knife in my hand

Blade to my skin

I contemplate which side

Of the line I will cross to

Wanting to sleep through the urge

I can’t I’m too on edge

So many thoughts raging in my mind

Folding the blade back

I attempt to clear the fog from my mind

Tears begin to burn my eyes

Losing my mind

Just wanting the antidote

For this poison that’s inside me

Although if I dose myself with poison

Perhaps I will find relief

Though I fear if I cut

Never again will I be able to

Stop

So I replay all the memories

They become my antidote

But the poison is strong

It twist my memories

And makes them seem as if

Façade

Trapped within my mind

I take a deep breath

Close my eyes

And keep pumping the antidote

Into my system

Through my veins

To my heart and brain

Trying to eradicate the poison from

Within

Finally I can feel sleep approaching

So I fade to my dreams

Hoping that my urges pass

With the rising

Of a new dawn 

Scared

I’m not gonna lie

I’m really quite scared

Since someone like me didn’t make it

So it all becomes too real for me

Do I fight or succumb

Or even give in to the urges

What are the consequences

Not just for myself but others as well

Will my relief be worth the pain I cause

Will the choices I make bring smiles

Or tears

For you see I have seen

Firsthand the effects of my choices

Tears that should’ve never fallen

Do just that

And for me knowing the pain I’ve caused

Only starts the cycle over

Somehow though for the time being

I have broken away from the cycle

Recent events though just continue

To enlist a fear within me that I will

Unwillingly falter

And once more bring those painful tears back

Along with disappointment

Perhaps even anger too

I’m scared that trestles are cracking

From the elements that have been waging war on me

And I know eventually part of me will break down

Question is how much is going to fall

And will I be able to pick up all the pieces

Will I be able to rebuild to become stronger

Will anyone be there to help me up

Or will I have to climb back alone

So much is unknown to me

And all I know is that I’m scared

Because for all I know

This is the calm before the storm

And tomorrow could be the day I break

Or perhaps that day will never come

Either way all I know is that I’m scared

It’s one against an army

And I’m all alone