Isolation

Isolation stings

Especially when you are alone in a group

It sends a chill to the heart

That disperses throughout the body and mind

 My body goes numb from the chill

And I wish to feel something if just for a moment

No matter what I have to do

I have goals but still I struggle

Few share my struggle

But those who do know the sting of Isolation

Slowly it kills me taking some life with

Every chill that pumps through my system slowing

My heartbeat

Fogging my mind with plaguing thoughts

This isolation works as a form of poison

Immune to the antidotes that I had previously used

I knew it was only a matter of time before that happened

At least for now its effects are slowed by my body

Reacting trying to fight the fallout that is sure to occur

Solitary confinement of the mind in a place full of life

Is no way to live yet, it is how I live

Do as I say not as I do

When you look at my life don’t follow suit

This poison is mine and is not to be taken

Self-destruct Mode

There’s anger inside me and I can feel it building pressure

I’m self-destructing quicker than I ever thought I would

The fuse is just waiting to be lit

How much longer can I hold on

The match was struck and is burning down

Guiding my hand I hold it above the fuse

Playing God with my right to chose

Sssss….The fuse is burning down

I’m self-destructing

Imploding on myself

Time can only tell how long it will be until I break down

Razor at hand I feel the rush of knowing what I could do

Gently I set it on my skin as my mind sinks down

I begin to think about if this is the right thing to do

Just a little pressure that’s all it takes

To erase all that I’ve worked toward the past few months

It gives me a chill to sit with so much power at hand

I’m waiting for a reason to resist this urge

I’ll give it five minutes until I cut

Zzzt zzzt… My phone buzzes

I found my reason in a simple message

Waiting now I find a focus

Even then the urges carry on

However my focus makes me put the razor back

With no harm done, at least for the day

Mind still racing I think of release

Longing for its sweet relief that comes so easy

There is no telling the damage I could do

If I were to physically self-destruct

I know for sure it would change my being

This time though it would stay ever my secret

So that sadly I could use it to keep on going

Only to have it destroy me in the end

I’m self-destructing

Trying as hard as possible to contain this madness

In order to keep you safe from the fall out

This is the beginning of my phase ten

I pray this is only a dream

But reality keeps letting me know it’s not

 Get back, stay back, I don’t want to hurt you

Let me self-destruct and pick up the pieces

For now I’m safe but the timer is ticking

First Love

You were my first love and I’ll love you forever

Since in you I was able to find someone just like myself

I gave you my heart and you never broke it

You were there for me when I needed you most

You were my first love

And even though we may no longer be a couple

The love we still share is uniquely ours

I wear a reminder of you and you of me

No matter what happens in our lives

We know that we will always have each other

It’s the pact that was silently made

When we first said I love you

Over the course of our lives we will love others

But never in the same way as we love each other

When we are together I still can feel the strong connection

We understand more than most what the power of love can do

Since our love for one another has kept us safe

Oh so many times

You still can bring a smile to my face quicker than most

You were my first love and I’ll love you forever

8 Months 16 Days

8 months 16 days

It’s weird how time changes things

Not always for the good

This far in and it shames me to say that

That well my day isn’t going so good

And to be honest I’ve come pretty close to slipping

Why is it that while I’ve come so far I now can’t ask for help

What’s wrong with me

Do I have too much pride

I contemplate the consequences

Can I make it to a year or am I just kidding myself

Weigh the options and find that for now I’m safe

But how much longer do I have before

I slip 

Ill Thoughts

Perhaps it is silly of me to think what I think

But if in my shoes I think you’d think like me

One day short of a week since my test was sent out

With no reply yet I fear only the worse

As I continue to get sicker and sicker

It feels like my body is attacking itself

Making me weaker killing me slowly

At first I cracked jokes hearing of the options

Of illness I was faced with

But as things move forward I’m not getting better

Sicker and sicker the joke’s not so funny

What happens next I fear I don’t know

I feel this could kill me

And as that reality sinks in I cry

I’m too young to die I claim

When really I know not the hour or day

It scares me to think that I might really be sick

It was always an option but one that lately seems so clear

Signs and symptoms, symptoms and signs

Just when I thought I was getting better

They catch me unaware

Hitting me harder every time

I think I might really be sick

Perhaps it is silly of me to think what I think

Untitled

Feelings I thought I could deny

I can no longer hide

There comes a point where

We must accept that at the core

There is no denying who we are

Acceptance is the key to freedom

Once we accept who we are

Then and only then will we find

Our true freedom

So as much as I hate to do this

I have to accept who I am

And what I’ve done

Otherwise I will continue to fall victim

To the stone walls that encircle me

If I must shed more blood to get through

I will

For I know no other way

And to just sit and wait is to die

So I try I hopes that

I’ll break through or let the walls cave in

Perhaps even you will find me on your journey

Whether trapped or covered in rubble

If you come across me I’d hope that

You’d at least allow me to see light again

I’ve accepted what I’ve done

And who I am

While I can change my future

I can’t erase my past

So forever it will remain part of me

Unchangeable and undeniable

I can’t keep hiding from myself

I must accept my skeletons

And face my demons