Update

Ok so I've fallen behind with the blogging so here is a  quick update.
  
     Basketball started so I've been busy keeping up with the demands of the coaches as I once again mange the team.
     Last week I had finals. I did pretty good but out of 7 class periods I only had 3 finals two of which I passed...I failed my Pre-Calc test so I ended up with a D- in the class. I'm worried about what my dad is going to say and how he is going to react. Luckily now I've become friends with the school liaison officer, since I too want to be a cop so I'm able to talk to her about whats going on.

      As of  today the basketball team is 1-2 hopefully it will be 2-2 after tomorrow night. If not practice will be hell on Friday.

      Once again I've picked up church activities too so that just adds to my hectic schedule. Also this upcoming Saturday I'm taking the ACT again and hopefully I can score higher then my previous 23 so that way I can maybe get some scholarship money from MSUM...all i really need is a 24 so I'm hoping for a 25 or 26.

So that's all that has gone down with my life the past few weeks.  

College Overload Rant

So I'm a senior in high school and so I am able to take college classes through the high school for college and high school credit. YAY!!!...not so much. While I do believe that it is a good and convenient it's not always the best choice. My schedule consist of Physics, Pre-Calc, College Social (psychology), and College English. Not to mention that I also have choir and economics this trimester. But later I will also have an independent study in Journalism, Health 2, and some other classes that I can't think of right now. Point being I overloaded myself with these classes. If I were in college it wouldn't be as big of a deal since I wouldn't have class everyday I'd only have it like 3 times a week and I'd only have like 3 classes a day instead of  7 classes 5 days a week. Sure I might be saving money but at what cost. I'm constantly stressing out. Now that basketball has started I'm busy with that even though I'm not a player but I'll save that story for a different blog. Anyway thank God tomorrow is Friday and there is a Sadie Hawkins dance... time to release some stress. So that was my quick rant of a blog today.

Mistakes

So I haven't blogged in a a couple days... oops. Whatever though anyway I'm freezing my ass off in beautiful MN and I'm thinking about mistakes and the ways in which I deal with them.  Sometimes it's easy to accept the fact that I messed up and I can move on. While other times I feel like the world is going to end because of my mistakes. Finding the balance and the ability to realize that mistakes happen and that not everything is my fault takes a lot of work. Sometimes I wish I could just runaway to somewhere that is warm and full of love and good company. But that would do me no good at all since I need to be here in reality.

Lately I've made quite a few mistakes, some worse then others. So now I am left to try make sense of what happened and figure out how I'm going to deal with them. With some it is easier to make amends then with others and even the ones you make amends with don't always work out the same again. Seriously though what good will it do if I beat myself up over one tiny mistake...no good can come from it I'm only making myself sicker and worse by doing so.

I love the feeling of being invincible, like no matter what I do I can't get hurt. So when I do get hurt it definitely  puts things into perspective once again there can be a good and a bad to this situation. We only get one life yet I choose to mess with mine as if what happened to them can't happen to me since I am invincible, but the armor can only take so many hits before it cracks and allows for worse things to happen. I was always taught that to ask for help or cry was to show weakness, so now I'm a 17yr old girl who can't cry when she finds out a relative has died or can't ask for help when she needs it the most.

I'm broken. Not right by the standards of what it means to be human. My hands are almost always cold to the touch yet my fingertips at times are numb along with most of my body, so I am able to grab logs from a fire or reach into icy water. Once more allowing myself to believe that I am in fact invincible. And maybe I am invincible but if I'm not (I'm pretty sure I'm not) if I believed enough that I was invincible it could lead to the biggest mistake of my life. 

So many thing can happen in life and that is why life is great and why it sucks. We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow but we have to trust that everything will work out. I'm not going to lie sometimes I wish I wouldn't wake up but I do and things work out. Some days I wish I could eat more then so many calories and not worry about what it could do to my body, or worry about how much I'm going to have to exercise or restrict the next day, but something always pulls me through. Some days I just wish I could get the courage talk to a friend about whats going on. There are so many things I wish I could do or could happen, but the important thing is to try and not allow them to consume me. I am stronger then my weaknesses I just have to believe it myself, then I can win this battle.

Poetry from the Past

Indefinite Happiness Starts To Fill A Void

While Indefinite Sadness Keeps It Open

My Heart Is Pulled Between Two Worlds

What I Want And What I Can't Have

There Are Somethings I Need Like Love And Fullness

There Are Somethings That I Don't Need Like Sadness And Emptiness

Yet What I Need And Don't Need I Always Do Or Don't Have

Too Much Of The Bad Has Taken Over Me I Live In Darkness

Now I Try To Find The Light And Release Myself From The Shadows

My Life Knows Not Of What Love Is But What It Looks Like 

MY Heart Urns For Love, But It May Never Be Found In My Life

Turned Solid Like Stone Is My Heart It Makes Me Look Hideous

Emotions That Were Hidden Now Show Themselves On My Stone Heart

No One Knows The Pain They've Caused

They Only Know Of My Own Pain That Shows In The Cuts And Bruises 

Protecting And Fighting Are All I Know 

Those Skills Keep Me Safe But They Also Shelter Me From Love

People Say They Care But Do They Ever Show It

There's Never A Hug Or Shoulder To Lean Or Cry On When I'm In Need

Instead What I Get A Push And A Shove And A “Shut The Hell Up”

I Try To Help Others But They Don't Want My Shoulder Or Hugs

Instead They Push And Shove Me And Tell Me To “Back OFF”

My Life Knows Not Of Love And Caring; It Only Knows Hate And Pain

My Heart That Is Supposed To Pump Life Into My Soul Is Slowed Almost To Death

No One Understands The Pain I Know

Those Who Try To Understand Me Quit Before They Know It All

The Scars I Have Everyone Assumes They Know How I Got Them But They Don't

The Sad Truth Of My Story Is That My Saddest Times Were My Happiest

The Pain Would Be Worth It Again If Only I Could Have My Friends Back

Sure They Are Still Here But Part Of Them Has Died

They No Longer Do The Things That Made Them Happiest

Instead They Give In To Corruption

My Friends And I Never Really Talk Anymore 

Everyday People Recycle People

I've Been Recycled Cuz I Had What Others Already Had And No One Wants Two Of The Same

Transformed Into Carbon Copies Of One Another The Recyclers

Will Be Recycled By Those Who Have Been Recycled

Only Then Will They See What They Have Done

We Are Generation 666

We Are Controlled By The Media

Taught To Hate The Ones That Are Different And Recycle Them 

Taught To Love The Carbon Copies And Replace The Recycled

Why Do We Live In A World Where Some Will Only Know Hate And Pain Like Me

While Others Bask In Love And Caring

Some Think They Know Love But What They Know Is Lust

The Carbon Copies Are The Ones Who Fall Into Lust

But Like Iron They Will Rust From The Lust

The Ones I Trust Don't Trust Me Much

We Live In A World Of Plastic Nations

Everyone Is Fake And No One Is Real

I'm Breaking The Mold So I Don't Get Sold As A Recycled Carbon Copy

A Plastic Casket Six Feet under Is My Unwanted Home

My Soul Is Imprisoned By Your Hate

Blood Is Shed To Set Me Free

No Longer Are You My Enemy, Blood Released I Am Free

My Soul Exposed For All To See, Please Don't Beat Me With Your Words

Damaged By The Emotions Of Life I Try Not To Give Up The Fight

In A Plastic Nation The Recycled Have No Right To Life

I Have A Pulse But I'm Not Living

I Go Through Life Never Knowing When I'll Be Attacked

Whose Got My Back I Can Never Tell

Emotions Change As Often As The Wind Blows

Your Words Hit Me Like Bombs

I Wilt Like A Flower...

Vent #1

Today I have been lacking motivation to do pretty much everything. I'm a loss of what to do. I just got off the phone with my sister and that gave me a boost but how long will it last I wonder. Everything happens for a reason it was no mistake that she happened to call when she did. A bump in the road that's what I'd call how I feel today. If I could I'd sleep until high school is over. I just need a break from this hectic circle that's weighing me down. Guilt is nagging at me I had a sandwich for lunch and I probably shouldn't have had it but I did, so what now. I feel disgusting but in reality I know I'm not...I have to keep telling myself that I am stronger then that.
As I sit in my house looking out the window at a rainy Minnesota fall, I can't help but think that today is going to be a long hard day. I could fight the feelings I'm having today but I feel like I should save my energy for the bigger battle ahead of me. I have a problem, admitting it is the first and hardest step or at least for me it is. From here I hope to only get stronger and better hard as it may be...now more then ever I need to find my true friends and hope they can give me a push in the right direction so I can help myself get better.

I Am...

I Am....

I am curious and intriguing.

I wonder about the universe.

I hear creatures bellowing from afar.

I see what others can't.

I want what no others have.

I am curious and intriguing.

I pretend I'm invincible to avoid getting hurt.

I feel the whip of perseverance striking at my neck.

I touch the emotional scars of the world.

I worry that one day I will be numb to death.

I cry when I see horrific crimes go unpunished.

I am curious and intriguing.

I understand life is short so we must make the best of it.

I say to die for your beliefs makes you a hero even if others call you the enemy.

I dream that one day people will care about people more then material things.

I try to put the needs of others above my own, if that's a crime arrest me.

I hope that true love exist and that someday I'll find it.

I am curious and intriguing.

Listen to the Breeze

listen to the breeze as it whispers in you ear
my dear apology screaming from my soul
I won't share my pain with you
I've given you enough
dropped your trust for me in the well
wishing to one day get it back
the tower has crumbled from my guilt
bricks still squared like a phoenix it will rise again
fighting and protecting the ones I love
one mistake and its all gone
I could wear the scars on my arms
but I'd rather carry them on my heart for no one to see
Time will heal these wounds
but still the scars will remain
my eyes tell a story
so do yours
sensitive to the emotions of those around me
I sense your pain its in you voice, your eyes, everything
pain is something I know too well
but how else am i supposed to understand life
push me away if you want
I won't mind
Its ok to say you hate me
let me in share your pain
we are all broken
never again to be the same
scars and flaws are what make us...us
jump through the fire see what happens
you'll survive we all will
And we will be stronger for it
stand in the rain let it flow through you
become one with the rain
let it become your life esscence
breathe in the air
as it invades your lungs think back to the memories
never let them fade
time may pass but the memories will last
even now you are making an impression in the world
The universe holds all the answers that we cannot find
never alone we all have each other
if we never physically find each other our hearts will do it for us
its what the bond of friendship does
look up at the stars they all look lonely
by themselves in the abyss of space
we all part of the earth and we all travel by wind
if ever needed and can't be found
Just listen to the wind and we will all be there waiting for you

I wrote this poem for a friend of mine who moved away to let them know that just because we don't live in the same town anymore it doesn't mean that we won't ever see each other again. Hope you enjoyed the poem.

Peace and love to you all.

Sometimes I just need to write myself a letter. Last March I wrote a letter to myself that you can read below; the title of it was" 5'11" not quite 6' feet deep." Pandora's Box was emptied or so I thought. My life felt like there was nothing left for me in the world. Pandora's Box wasn't empty though all the bad had left but in the bottom of the box there was Hope. I used that hope to pull me out of the hole that I had dug for myself.

"Why do we wait for something to happen before we take action so it doesn't happen again? Why don't we act before the chance for something to go wrong gets the open door of opportunity? Kurt Cobain said "No one dies a virgin because Life F***s us all". Thinking about it he couldn't be more right. So much evil happens in the world. We could speak up and try to stop it but most of the time we hide in the shadows. Why don't we stand up and fight? We are human therefore we feel,lately though we have become desensitized by the media and the world around us. They tell us that it's ok to be numb, they tell us its ok to do everything we can to reach rock bottom. Thing is when we get there the world turns their back on us faster then a bullet. Ironically as fast as the world can turn their back on us is how fast we can leave this world...at the speed of a bullet. Thing is though not every bullet is meant to kill so the world or society is left to make sense of what happened only to be left feeling guilty and looking for someone else to blame. Problem is that sometimes the only person we can blame is ourselves. We are left with "what ifs" and "I should haves" trying to make sense of them only lets us dig our own grave. At times I'd take the grave over this world that devours souls. When the process of thought says that the grave is better then the world we live in things aren't right. I know because too many times I've found myself digging my own grave, only to get pulled out by people who I would have never guessed in a hundred years would be pulling me out. Some of these people I know well and some I barely know. Thing is they were brought into my life when I needed them. The worst part about having people pull you out of a hole a pit or your own grave it that once you are back on your own two feet you forget about what those people did to help. Whether they sacrificed little or a lot to your cause your life they still helped and instead of thanking them we walk off as if nothing happened. Everyone has a vice that keeps the world from seeing who we really are. No matter what though something or someone pulls us through. It can be friends, family, Religion, music, art, whatever. For me the thing that has pulled me through the most has been Religion or Friends, because with that I have been able to open my eyes to what I've been missing in my life. Do I still fall yes do I still at times find myself reaching for the shovel or even looking at my hands and think "Let's dig" of course. It takes time to reprogram the mind into thinking that it's ok to stand firm on solid ground. If you didn't know already I've battled depression, self-injury, suicide, and OCD. Some of those things I still fight. That is just part of who I am does it make me any different then you or someone else? No it doesn't. Too long I have been silent and let the Stigmas of what I've been through pull me down. To that I say no more. Releasing myself from my chains I am Free. It's ok to have battled things in life, because it is true that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. In all honesty though I really should take a moment to thank those who have helped me get to where I am today. All of my good friends who have stuck by me thank you. To the people from TEC who I've been able to meet and talk to thank you. To all the people my path has crossed with who helped me in some way or form thank you(even someone from TX who befriended me thank you). We take for granted that our lives can change at a moments notice. Caught up in the hustle and bustle of life we forget to say thank you or show gratitude, and people are ok with that. Or maybe sometimes we get intimidated by something like just being around someone who emits light from their soul. I myself have found myself paralyzed in this intimidation when faced with talking about my life...I can't call people, I have trouble writing people, I even have trouble talking to people. The people who I have written, talked to, or even possibly called are really the only people who I trust enough with what I tell them to not be given the third degree by them. If people have questions I'll try to answer the best I can.That's all I can do is try. Point is even if you don't have the will to try someone else will attempt to pull you up and give you a helping hand. This I know from all the times I've been pulled up by others because they still saw a shimmer of hope in me. You can only hide for so long before things overflow and others take notice. I lasted awhile hiding in the darkness, but now seeing the light and living in it has flipped me around 180 degrees. Bad things however still happen. Dealing with the bad is where I go wrong in life instead of talking about it or doing something about what has happened I automatically put all the blame on me even if it wasn't my fault, so that way no one else has to feel bad or upset about what happened. Then I punish myself if others haven't already. I will attack myself emotionally, mentally, and/or physically. Is it the right thing to do not at all. Do I feel better after attacking myself? Sadly I do but it is only a pseudo effect that eventually wears off leaving me feeling hollow and dead."

The way I ended that letter might seem blunt, but when I would read the letter I would pretend that it wasn't me who had written the letter. So then I could use that jolt of concern and apply it to myself once I'd come back to the reality that I wrote the letter. Sometimes that's all it takes is a letter to yourself that helps get you through the tough times.

Have I gotten better about dealing with things when they go wrong? Yes. Yes I have, but that doesn't mean that I don't slip up every now and again...sometimes relapse just happens. Self Injury, Eating Disorders, Depression, Suicide, Addiction...these are real things. I know we like to pretend that they aren't real, but sadly they are. As long as you have Hope these demons cannot over take you. So I guess that is my message today...just have Hope.

It's not Faith if you use your eyes...

Every so often we hear a song and for some reason it hits home. The other night I was just listening to some CD's that I've have for awhile now and all of a sudden a spark erupted and I was able to make more sense out of what is going on around me. The song I was listening to was "Miracle" by Paramore. If you look at the lyrics they can be applied to life in many different ways.

For me this song hit the aspect of Faith and how I'm living my life at this moment. To often we as humans need to see in order to believe. But if we truly had Faith we wouldn't need to see. Believing would be enough.

I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive

So I'm going to start over tonight

Beginning with you and I

When this memory fades

I'm gonna make sure it's replaced

With chances taken

Hope embraced

I hope I told you

I'm not going

cause I've been waiting for a miracle

And I'm not leaving

I won't let you

Let you give up on a miracle

Cause it might save you

We've learned to run from

Anything uncomfortable

We've tied our pain below and no one ever has to know

That inside we're broken

I tried to patch things up again

To cut my tears and kill my fears

But have I told you how I..

I'm not going

Cause I've been waiting for a miracle

And I'm not leaving

I won't let you

Let you give up on a miracle

Cause it might save you

It's not faith if, if you use your eyes

Oh why

Get it right this time (this time)

Let's leave this all behind

Oh why

We'll get it right this time

It's not faith if you're using your eyes

Oh why

I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive

So I'm going to start over tonight

Beginning with you and I

I don't want to run from anything uncomfortable

I just want, no

I just need this pain to end right here

I'm not going

Cause I've been waiting for a miracle

And I'm not leaving

I won't let you

Let you give up on a miracle

Cause it might save you

Yeah, it might save you

Oh, it might save you

It's not faith if, if you use your eyes

If you use your eyes

If you use your eyes

For me this song is what I needed to stay on the right track. Life is a team effort without faith, friends, and family we won't survive. We are given second chances for this reason, if we don't have that support system we can now go and find it. I've had my fair share of miracles and the people who wouldn't let me give up became instrumental to who I am today. For whoever is reading this if you are thinking about giving up don't do it. Trust in the unseen to pull you through and know that you aren't alone. I've been there and I'm here for you.

Black And White

In life there is black and white

There is no Gray

Yet somehow that's where I am

Lost in the Gray zone of life that doesn't exsit

Does that mean that I am non exsistant

If so why do I feel the pain of being lonely

If so why do I feel the pain of being singled out

If so why do know pain in all forms...

There are no answers to these questions I ask

The only answers given are

It is what it is so move on

Or it must be God's will and God's will must be done

If this is God's will for me let it be

But what if it isn't the so Called will of God

Somehow I know I do not suffer alone

Who are the others and why can't I see them

Where do I belong that is my question

Is it in the White light of day

Or in the Black nothingness of night

Here I sit in the Gray I do not belong here

I look at my hands they're dry like chalk

I try to speak but only sand escapes

I thirst for something more then what lies in the Gray

My body looks dead but I am very much alive

I crave life and death both

Perhaps that is why I exsist in the Gray

There is irony in the fact that I exsist in a Place that doesn't