2Evils

2Evils
I hate smoking
I hate the taste and smell of it
I hate the way it makes my body feel
Yet I continuously do it
Since for me smoking is the lesser of 2Evils
And honestly I'd rather part take in the other evil
Since I prefer the sensations of endorphins through my body
Far more that the feeling of my lungs
Getting tighter with every inhale
"I'd honestly rather have you smoke" you say
Because when I smoke
It's a lot harder for you to see the damage I'm doing
And the scars I'm making
Not like I ever intended on showing you though
Since the wounds were my own
But I've come too far now
And as much as I want to bleed my disease out
I settle instead for something that could kill me
It doesn't make a difference to you though either way
Does it???
Since if I cut you'll hate me and if I smoke you'll still hate me
Don't worry though I can hate myself so you won't have to
However for the time being I would appreciate it
If you wouldn't hate me for taking up the lesser of 2Evils

Days Like Mine

I’ve been afflicted with a poison

That no matter how hard I try

It will always be a part of me

Even on good days the thought

Still crosses my mind

All I can think about is if

Anyone would notice or care

I know they would but

It’s just the poison working

Slowly breaking me down

Allowing me to visualize in my head

How easy it would be

I have a plan

And I’m smart enough

Where if I really wanted to

I could be long gone before

Anyone would notice

But that’s not what I want

So I fight and I fight

Battle after battle; day in and day out

And I live to see another day

I feel as if I am above the system

That I myself am capable at any moment

To draw the line and say “I’m done”

Worst of all I know how to play the game

No one would see it coming

I wouldn’t even leave a note this time

It would just be all me

But this whole thing isn’t my style

Or even what I want to be

I have goals that I will accomplish

I just have bad days like everyone else

Only difference is my bad

Is like your nightmare

But that’s what makes me different

From the rest of the population

I’m the one who will take it all

And never let on that inside

I’m crumbling to pieces but

That’s how I’m motivated best

When the pieces stab at my side

And I still wear that smile

Although this might all sound bad to you

This is just another day for me

Welcome to my life

Crashing Waves

Waves of emotion crash on me

As if I were the shoreline

The tides take me by surprise

And I fall weak

With no light house to shine down

To see how helpless I am

How lost at sea I really am

Among these rocks I’m thrown against

My tears fall as if they were grains of sand

I fear the storm that impedes my rescue

For not only will it leave me stranded

But it will also kill me

With the gentle mist of the sea as a final kiss

This storm that brings forth these emotions

 Buries me in the rubble of

The castles I built with my tears

As the waves crash against me

I begin to drift out to sea

Towards the ship that was to be my

Rescuing refuge

Caught in the storm I succumb to my fate

…

The storm passes and my ship takes up anchor

Too late for me your spot light ignited the water around me

Revealing my body

Quickly pulled upon the deck

Cold and blue my body is racked with the emotional damage

What if’s and if only’s race through your mind

But it’s not your fault and you come to realizes it’s not

Somehow though by some miracle

The same gentle mist that gave me my kiss

That kiss that was meant to be my final

Awakens me as wave begin to crash against the ship

The clouds break and the sun’s rays bring forth

Emotions of hope

Night falls and the rains come

Not the same rains that came with the storm

But a rain that not as gentle as the mist

Has cleaned my wounds and embraced me

And when I thought hope was gone

I found it was the water around me

That kept me alive until my ship

Could carry me home to safety

I Love You

I Love You

Three simple words

But because of human emotion

They become complex

You may say it to your family

You may say it to whoever you are in a relationship with

You might even say it to your friends

But…shouldn’t we be saying it to everyone

Although with modern technology some may argue

That they do say I Love You to everyone

Because when they send out their texts

They are conveniently signed “ILY”

The short hand text talk of words that used to carry

SO Much emotion

I feel that the meaning has been lost

That the over use and short hand of the words

I Love You

Have made it less believable to those who

Who really NEED to know that they are loved

That someone cares

That they matter to someone

And that they’ll be missed if anything were to happen

I Love You

Three simple words to speak when no one is looking

Made difficult to say to others due to society

To make it easier

We will write it text it or even say in a different language

Just to try and get out of speaking it

Since it can be scary but

Love is patient Love is kind

It may feel weird but one day it will feel right

I Love You

I Love You

The words will forever cling to my heart

                       ♥

Misfires

Sometimes my brain misfires

And it causes me to not think correctly

I’ll ask stupid questions

And assume the wrong thing

So your responses become angry

Or at least that’s how I perceive them

A simple misfire causes me lots of problems

Since if I were to try and explain them to you

You’d look at me like I am crazy

Because I don’t know why I feel the way I do

Or why my brain misfires all that I know is that it does

I can give you warnings to let you know

But then you might argue

“Why can’t you stop it?”  

Well I can’t control how my brain fires

But if I could I most certainly would

So that way I would no longer misfire

Hollow-point rounds that are so unforgiving

As they rack through my brain scrambling my mind

So that I’m always in the wrong

Or at least that’s how it feels

Just like when I misperceive what you’re saying

And when I misread those texts with that tone in my head

The tone that no matter how it read it it’s always

That angry condescending tone echoing in my head

Shrinking me down until I’m nothing more than

An exoskeleton

Lifeless and soulless just going with the flow

Until life floods back into me

Allowing my brain to fire correctly

Without the damaging effects

Time

Time moves in weird ways

I can close my eyes for a second

And already the day will be done

Yet I can leave my eyes open for hours

And only minutes will have passed

I wish I could control time

So the good days could just be that much longer

And the bad that much shorter

Oh the difference an extra second could make

However I must wonder what would of life be like

If we didn’t follow a concept of time

If we just let the day happen and didn’t worry

About the little things 

Plague

Plagued with thoughts

They riddle me like birdshot

Getting into all my being

Decaying me slowly from the inside out

All is not well for me

For you see I am becoming perforated

Like paper edges ready to tear

It won’t take much for me to collapse

I daze in shades of red

Longing hoping to make my daze reality

I become toxic spreading my disease slow

Poisoned I am dying

And as you watch me die

This is how my disease spreads

So let me do us a favor

You stay far away from me until

Well… Until I can make things right

To put it kindly I’ll take the bullet

My disease will die with me and

All will be well

Dangerous Thoughts...

For no reason they overcome me

Out of nowhere they attack my mind

I get the sensation by just thinking it

But if I were to do it the sensation

Would be indefinitely better

However if I were to give in

It would make me worthless

Days go by some better some worse

Yet it sucks because it’s hard

It’s hard for me to explain to you

Why I feel the way I do

And why my rollercoaster of a life

Causes me to

Derail

It happens more then I let on

Everyday a struggle so that you won’t see

The battle I wage within my head

It’s like connecting a circuit

When that blade touches my skin

I feel electrified

Until the guilt sets in

One more thing to hide

One more failure to add to my stack

124days that’s how far I’ve come

Yet I still get that urge

I still fight the fight

Even though I feel as if I might fail

I can’t let it show that I want to break down

Because it will only prove I’m a lesser person

Not to mention the sad truth

That in reality I am nothing

I am just a place holder until the next best thing comes

All I want to do is find release

The one way I know

Is the one thing that will ruin me

It will take everything I love away from me

But at times I feel that would be ok

Since my head tells my heart that

 Love from others shouldn’t be wasted on me

I need to find a happy medium

Where I can be gently acclimated to the dangers

Of the real world once again