Dangerous Thoughts...

For no reason they overcome me

Out of nowhere they attack my mind

I get the sensation by just thinking it

But if I were to do it the sensation

Would be indefinitely better

However if I were to give in

It would make me worthless

Days go by some better some worse

Yet it sucks because it’s hard

It’s hard for me to explain to you

Why I feel the way I do

And why my rollercoaster of a life

Causes me to

Derail

It happens more then I let on

Everyday a struggle so that you won’t see

The battle I wage within my head

It’s like connecting a circuit

When that blade touches my skin

I feel electrified

Until the guilt sets in

One more thing to hide

One more failure to add to my stack

124days that’s how far I’ve come

Yet I still get that urge

I still fight the fight

Even though I feel as if I might fail

I can’t let it show that I want to break down

Because it will only prove I’m a lesser person

Not to mention the sad truth

That in reality I am nothing

I am just a place holder until the next best thing comes

All I want to do is find release

The one way I know

Is the one thing that will ruin me

It will take everything I love away from me

But at times I feel that would be ok

Since my head tells my heart that

 Love from others shouldn’t be wasted on me

I need to find a happy medium

Where I can be gently acclimated to the dangers

Of the real world once again