Isolation

Isolation stings

Especially when you are alone in a group

It sends a chill to the heart

That disperses throughout the body and mind

 My body goes numb from the chill

And I wish to feel something if just for a moment

No matter what I have to do

I have goals but still I struggle

Few share my struggle

But those who do know the sting of Isolation

Slowly it kills me taking some life with

Every chill that pumps through my system slowing

My heartbeat

Fogging my mind with plaguing thoughts

This isolation works as a form of poison

Immune to the antidotes that I had previously used

I knew it was only a matter of time before that happened

At least for now its effects are slowed by my body

Reacting trying to fight the fallout that is sure to occur

Solitary confinement of the mind in a place full of life

Is no way to live yet, it is how I live

Do as I say not as I do

When you look at my life don’t follow suit

This poison is mine and is not to be taken

Self-destruct Mode

There’s anger inside me and I can feel it building pressure

I’m self-destructing quicker than I ever thought I would

The fuse is just waiting to be lit

How much longer can I hold on

The match was struck and is burning down

Guiding my hand I hold it above the fuse

Playing God with my right to chose

Sssss….The fuse is burning down

I’m self-destructing

Imploding on myself

Time can only tell how long it will be until I break down

Razor at hand I feel the rush of knowing what I could do

Gently I set it on my skin as my mind sinks down

I begin to think about if this is the right thing to do

Just a little pressure that’s all it takes

To erase all that I’ve worked toward the past few months

It gives me a chill to sit with so much power at hand

I’m waiting for a reason to resist this urge

I’ll give it five minutes until I cut

Zzzt zzzt… My phone buzzes

I found my reason in a simple message

Waiting now I find a focus

Even then the urges carry on

However my focus makes me put the razor back

With no harm done, at least for the day

Mind still racing I think of release

Longing for its sweet relief that comes so easy

There is no telling the damage I could do

If I were to physically self-destruct

I know for sure it would change my being

This time though it would stay ever my secret

So that sadly I could use it to keep on going

Only to have it destroy me in the end

I’m self-destructing

Trying as hard as possible to contain this madness

In order to keep you safe from the fall out

This is the beginning of my phase ten

I pray this is only a dream

But reality keeps letting me know it’s not

 Get back, stay back, I don’t want to hurt you

Let me self-destruct and pick up the pieces

For now I’m safe but the timer is ticking

First Love

You were my first love and I’ll love you forever

Since in you I was able to find someone just like myself

I gave you my heart and you never broke it

You were there for me when I needed you most

You were my first love

And even though we may no longer be a couple

The love we still share is uniquely ours

I wear a reminder of you and you of me

No matter what happens in our lives

We know that we will always have each other

It’s the pact that was silently made

When we first said I love you

Over the course of our lives we will love others

But never in the same way as we love each other

When we are together I still can feel the strong connection

We understand more than most what the power of love can do

Since our love for one another has kept us safe

Oh so many times

You still can bring a smile to my face quicker than most

You were my first love and I’ll love you forever

8 Months 16 Days

8 months 16 days

It’s weird how time changes things

Not always for the good

This far in and it shames me to say that

That well my day isn’t going so good

And to be honest I’ve come pretty close to slipping

Why is it that while I’ve come so far I now can’t ask for help

What’s wrong with me

Do I have too much pride

I contemplate the consequences

Can I make it to a year or am I just kidding myself

Weigh the options and find that for now I’m safe

But how much longer do I have before

I slip 

Ill Thoughts

Perhaps it is silly of me to think what I think

But if in my shoes I think you’d think like me

One day short of a week since my test was sent out

With no reply yet I fear only the worse

As I continue to get sicker and sicker

It feels like my body is attacking itself

Making me weaker killing me slowly

At first I cracked jokes hearing of the options

Of illness I was faced with

But as things move forward I’m not getting better

Sicker and sicker the joke’s not so funny

What happens next I fear I don’t know

I feel this could kill me

And as that reality sinks in I cry

I’m too young to die I claim

When really I know not the hour or day

It scares me to think that I might really be sick

It was always an option but one that lately seems so clear

Signs and symptoms, symptoms and signs

Just when I thought I was getting better

They catch me unaware

Hitting me harder every time

I think I might really be sick

Perhaps it is silly of me to think what I think

Untitled

Feelings I thought I could deny

I can no longer hide

There comes a point where

We must accept that at the core

There is no denying who we are

Acceptance is the key to freedom

Once we accept who we are

Then and only then will we find

Our true freedom

So as much as I hate to do this

I have to accept who I am

And what I’ve done

Otherwise I will continue to fall victim

To the stone walls that encircle me

If I must shed more blood to get through

I will

For I know no other way

And to just sit and wait is to die

So I try I hopes that

I’ll break through or let the walls cave in

Perhaps even you will find me on your journey

Whether trapped or covered in rubble

If you come across me I’d hope that

You’d at least allow me to see light again

I’ve accepted what I’ve done

And who I am

While I can change my future

I can’t erase my past

So forever it will remain part of me

Unchangeable and undeniable

I can’t keep hiding from myself

I must accept my skeletons

And face my demons

Personal Hell

Confined to the four walls of my room

I am left without a safe haven

Once I safe place

My room has now become

A personal hell

Even sleep won’t release me

My dreams become nightmares

Perhaps I have cursed myself

By keeping a razor blade

Under my pillow in a little box

Just in case my demons come back

Bearing an omen black as space

Periodically waking

I look at my arms

Just to make sure that dream didn’t

Come true

As sunlight peers through my window

I’m reminded of my haven that once was

Quickly those memories scatter

Since I now live in a personal hell

Urges

I really want to cut

Like the urge I have is unbearable

Distractions Distractions

I need to find a distraction

All I can think about is where

Every knife or blade I have is

I need a drink

But if I drink I know I’ll cut

Since even without alcohol’s

Influence I am at risk

I walk the line of neutrality

Holding a knife in my hand

Blade to my skin

I contemplate which side

Of the line I will cross to

Wanting to sleep through the urge

I can’t I’m too on edge

So many thoughts raging in my mind

Folding the blade back

I attempt to clear the fog from my mind

Tears begin to burn my eyes

Losing my mind

Just wanting the antidote

For this poison that’s inside me

Although if I dose myself with poison

Perhaps I will find relief

Though I fear if I cut

Never again will I be able to

Stop

So I replay all the memories

They become my antidote

But the poison is strong

It twist my memories

And makes them seem as if

Façade

Trapped within my mind

I take a deep breath

Close my eyes

And keep pumping the antidote

Into my system

Through my veins

To my heart and brain

Trying to eradicate the poison from

Within

Finally I can feel sleep approaching

So I fade to my dreams

Hoping that my urges pass

With the rising

Of a new dawn 

Scared

I’m not gonna lie

I’m really quite scared

Since someone like me didn’t make it

So it all becomes too real for me

Do I fight or succumb

Or even give in to the urges

What are the consequences

Not just for myself but others as well

Will my relief be worth the pain I cause

Will the choices I make bring smiles

Or tears

For you see I have seen

Firsthand the effects of my choices

Tears that should’ve never fallen

Do just that

And for me knowing the pain I’ve caused

Only starts the cycle over

Somehow though for the time being

I have broken away from the cycle

Recent events though just continue

To enlist a fear within me that I will

Unwillingly falter

And once more bring those painful tears back

Along with disappointment

Perhaps even anger too

I’m scared that trestles are cracking

From the elements that have been waging war on me

And I know eventually part of me will break down

Question is how much is going to fall

And will I be able to pick up all the pieces

Will I be able to rebuild to become stronger

Will anyone be there to help me up

Or will I have to climb back alone

So much is unknown to me

And all I know is that I’m scared

Because for all I know

This is the calm before the storm

And tomorrow could be the day I break

Or perhaps that day will never come

Either way all I know is that I’m scared

It’s one against an army

And I’m all alone

Caving

Left to my own devices I begin

To buckle under the pressure upon me

Scared to talk about how I’m feeling

I fear that I might relapse

Once again becoming the self-inflicting monster

I hate

I want to speak out about my fear

But I don’t know how you’ll react

Especially since it has been so long

Since I’ve caved

More than anything I wish I could

Call you

However I feel that at this hour you wouldn’t answer

Or even like the reason why I’m calling

So in an effort to stay somewhat safe

I distract myself with little things

Sadly though

I’ve prepared my tools and my kits

Just in case

I buckle and cave in

Slowly I can feel my skin begin to crawl

I start to shake as my pulse races

Chewing my nails down so I don’t scratch myself

Now more than ever I need to make the call

But I won’t since I have too much pride

That and I don’t want you to know

That I might fail

That I might fall

And that I might lose it all

Nature and Life

Where is the nature in the life we live
Does it flow like the rivers and sway like the trees
Is our pulse made up of the rains that fall
And are our years just simply ripples in the water
Or rather the rings within the trees that grow like our souls
We rise from the soil much like the flowers
When problems like rocks get in our way we break through
Because it is our nature 
Life and nature forever intertwined 
There can be no seperation for without one the other would die

Much like the embers that were left when the lightning struck
So is the breath that is taken by the beauty that nature brings
Similar to the waves found in the Northern Lights 
That go beyond our spectrum of life 
With their mystifying travels
Together nature and life can create great things
Like the medows and waterfalls
With hidden treasure caves that go as deep as our thoughts
Together until the end of time
Never to be separate

Living Dead

It feels like you died
I feel like I'm going through the grieving process
It didn't have to be like this
But now as the days pass by I feel as though you are gone
Certain things spark memories and it saddens me
I look through the pictures and listen to songs
And it saddens me until I realize you are in fact not dead
You are very much alive
Although you are alive I feel like I have killed you
Not on purpose
I never could do that to anyone as you know so well
Point is though I might as well have
Even though the double edge sword has pirced us both
If you're thinking
"This is going to hurt me more than you"
You are wrong since I'm so hurt I imagined that you died
Since no longer are you part of my life
But I hope it is merely for a moment
And that in the passing of a day you'll be  back
And as much as I will want to ask you
I will have to refrain from asking
"How would you have felt if I had died that night?"
Since I almost did
So you know not the damage you caused
Or even could have caused for that matter
Forever I will carry these scars
As a reminder to myself to not make the same mistake
Funny though how we both made mistakes
Yet our reactions to each others mistakes
Are like night and day
I'd do anything to make it right
But I feel this time it's best for me to let nature take it's course
So I sit back in my straight jacket fighting
To show you I'm still worthy of friendship
I want to say sorry but
I know sorry won't cut it and you don't want to hear it
Your anger towards me I understand
But I would have perferred if you beat me physically
Compared to how you are messing with me now
Causing so much damage to us both
Seriously though I feel as it you are dead
I've shed my tears for you
Talked about memories of you
Texted knowing I'd get no response
Things will probably never be the same
Even if I promise not to make this mistake again
Somehow though I know things will work out
So until we meet again
I miss you, take care

Wounded

Physically you never did anything to me

But Actions speak louder than words

And the mixture of both put a lance through my heart

Right next to the dagger that was already there

Straight from Romeo

Poor Juliette

It’s like I’m tied to a cross

And my demons keep jumping aboard

Pushing me down

But I keep fighting and when I stand back up

They work through you

Slowly you’re killing me

Making me want to die

Just so you won’t have to deal with me anymore

You’d like that wouldn’t you

I know you would since my demons are working overtime

Just to get in your head

Just so you can be the one to push me off the ledge

And after I’m gone will you remove your lance and have him take the dagger

Or will you shoulder all the blame on to him cause let’s be honest that’s not fair

Since it wasn’t just him it was you too

Once again it wasn’t something I wanted you to find out

But it just slipped out

And look where it got us

I’m standing on the edge of the ledge

Ready to jump ready to get pushed by you

I thought you were going to remove your lance at one point

But rather instead you took hold of it and gave it a twist

I used to have a stone heart but I got rid of it big mistake

Romeo and You eviscerated the real heart I had

So back to stone it is

No more worrying about all the deep scars that were cast onto me

Love doesn't exists, it's simply a cruel game... the mind plays on the heart 

And I lost

I lost not only my heart but my friends

I have nothing left how am I supposed to carry on

As a hermit perhaps

Aye yes that shall be the life for me

I’ll still care about the others I just won’t be able to show it

Since God forbid I show you I care and have learned

From this retched mistake 

2Evils

2Evils
I hate smoking
I hate the taste and smell of it
I hate the way it makes my body feel
Yet I continuously do it
Since for me smoking is the lesser of 2Evils
And honestly I'd rather part take in the other evil
Since I prefer the sensations of endorphins through my body
Far more that the feeling of my lungs
Getting tighter with every inhale
"I'd honestly rather have you smoke" you say
Because when I smoke
It's a lot harder for you to see the damage I'm doing
And the scars I'm making
Not like I ever intended on showing you though
Since the wounds were my own
But I've come too far now
And as much as I want to bleed my disease out
I settle instead for something that could kill me
It doesn't make a difference to you though either way
Does it???
Since if I cut you'll hate me and if I smoke you'll still hate me
Don't worry though I can hate myself so you won't have to
However for the time being I would appreciate it
If you wouldn't hate me for taking up the lesser of 2Evils

Days Like Mine

I’ve been afflicted with a poison

That no matter how hard I try

It will always be a part of me

Even on good days the thought

Still crosses my mind

All I can think about is if

Anyone would notice or care

I know they would but

It’s just the poison working

Slowly breaking me down

Allowing me to visualize in my head

How easy it would be

I have a plan

And I’m smart enough

Where if I really wanted to

I could be long gone before

Anyone would notice

But that’s not what I want

So I fight and I fight

Battle after battle; day in and day out

And I live to see another day

I feel as if I am above the system

That I myself am capable at any moment

To draw the line and say “I’m done”

Worst of all I know how to play the game

No one would see it coming

I wouldn’t even leave a note this time

It would just be all me

But this whole thing isn’t my style

Or even what I want to be

I have goals that I will accomplish

I just have bad days like everyone else

Only difference is my bad

Is like your nightmare

But that’s what makes me different

From the rest of the population

I’m the one who will take it all

And never let on that inside

I’m crumbling to pieces but

That’s how I’m motivated best

When the pieces stab at my side

And I still wear that smile

Although this might all sound bad to you

This is just another day for me

Welcome to my life

Crashing Waves

Waves of emotion crash on me

As if I were the shoreline

The tides take me by surprise

And I fall weak

With no light house to shine down

To see how helpless I am

How lost at sea I really am

Among these rocks I’m thrown against

My tears fall as if they were grains of sand

I fear the storm that impedes my rescue

For not only will it leave me stranded

But it will also kill me

With the gentle mist of the sea as a final kiss

This storm that brings forth these emotions

 Buries me in the rubble of

The castles I built with my tears

As the waves crash against me

I begin to drift out to sea

Towards the ship that was to be my

Rescuing refuge

Caught in the storm I succumb to my fate

…

The storm passes and my ship takes up anchor

Too late for me your spot light ignited the water around me

Revealing my body

Quickly pulled upon the deck

Cold and blue my body is racked with the emotional damage

What if’s and if only’s race through your mind

But it’s not your fault and you come to realizes it’s not

Somehow though by some miracle

The same gentle mist that gave me my kiss

That kiss that was meant to be my final

Awakens me as wave begin to crash against the ship

The clouds break and the sun’s rays bring forth

Emotions of hope

Night falls and the rains come

Not the same rains that came with the storm

But a rain that not as gentle as the mist

Has cleaned my wounds and embraced me

And when I thought hope was gone

I found it was the water around me

That kept me alive until my ship

Could carry me home to safety

I Love You

I Love You

Three simple words

But because of human emotion

They become complex

You may say it to your family

You may say it to whoever you are in a relationship with

You might even say it to your friends

But…shouldn’t we be saying it to everyone

Although with modern technology some may argue

That they do say I Love You to everyone

Because when they send out their texts

They are conveniently signed “ILY”

The short hand text talk of words that used to carry

SO Much emotion

I feel that the meaning has been lost

That the over use and short hand of the words

I Love You

Have made it less believable to those who

Who really NEED to know that they are loved

That someone cares

That they matter to someone

And that they’ll be missed if anything were to happen

I Love You

Three simple words to speak when no one is looking

Made difficult to say to others due to society

To make it easier

We will write it text it or even say in a different language

Just to try and get out of speaking it

Since it can be scary but

Love is patient Love is kind

It may feel weird but one day it will feel right

I Love You

I Love You

The words will forever cling to my heart

                       ♥

Misfires

Sometimes my brain misfires

And it causes me to not think correctly

I’ll ask stupid questions

And assume the wrong thing

So your responses become angry

Or at least that’s how I perceive them

A simple misfire causes me lots of problems

Since if I were to try and explain them to you

You’d look at me like I am crazy

Because I don’t know why I feel the way I do

Or why my brain misfires all that I know is that it does

I can give you warnings to let you know

But then you might argue

“Why can’t you stop it?”  

Well I can’t control how my brain fires

But if I could I most certainly would

So that way I would no longer misfire

Hollow-point rounds that are so unforgiving

As they rack through my brain scrambling my mind

So that I’m always in the wrong

Or at least that’s how it feels

Just like when I misperceive what you’re saying

And when I misread those texts with that tone in my head

The tone that no matter how it read it it’s always

That angry condescending tone echoing in my head

Shrinking me down until I’m nothing more than

An exoskeleton

Lifeless and soulless just going with the flow

Until life floods back into me

Allowing my brain to fire correctly

Without the damaging effects

Time

Time moves in weird ways

I can close my eyes for a second

And already the day will be done

Yet I can leave my eyes open for hours

And only minutes will have passed

I wish I could control time

So the good days could just be that much longer

And the bad that much shorter

Oh the difference an extra second could make

However I must wonder what would of life be like

If we didn’t follow a concept of time

If we just let the day happen and didn’t worry

About the little things 

Plague

Plagued with thoughts

They riddle me like birdshot

Getting into all my being

Decaying me slowly from the inside out

All is not well for me

For you see I am becoming perforated

Like paper edges ready to tear

It won’t take much for me to collapse

I daze in shades of red

Longing hoping to make my daze reality

I become toxic spreading my disease slow

Poisoned I am dying

And as you watch me die

This is how my disease spreads

So let me do us a favor

You stay far away from me until

Well… Until I can make things right

To put it kindly I’ll take the bullet

My disease will die with me and

All will be well

Dangerous Thoughts...

For no reason they overcome me

Out of nowhere they attack my mind

I get the sensation by just thinking it

But if I were to do it the sensation

Would be indefinitely better

However if I were to give in

It would make me worthless

Days go by some better some worse

Yet it sucks because it’s hard

It’s hard for me to explain to you

Why I feel the way I do

And why my rollercoaster of a life

Causes me to

Derail

It happens more then I let on

Everyday a struggle so that you won’t see

The battle I wage within my head

It’s like connecting a circuit

When that blade touches my skin

I feel electrified

Until the guilt sets in

One more thing to hide

One more failure to add to my stack

124days that’s how far I’ve come

Yet I still get that urge

I still fight the fight

Even though I feel as if I might fail

I can’t let it show that I want to break down

Because it will only prove I’m a lesser person

Not to mention the sad truth

That in reality I am nothing

I am just a place holder until the next best thing comes

All I want to do is find release

The one way I know

Is the one thing that will ruin me

It will take everything I love away from me

But at times I feel that would be ok

Since my head tells my heart that

 Love from others shouldn’t be wasted on me

I need to find a happy medium

Where I can be gently acclimated to the dangers

Of the real world once again

A Poem by Henry Scott Holland

The poem below is not one that I wrote but found one day. 


Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was;
there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near, just round the corner.
And all is well.

Henry Scott Holland ~ 1847-1918
Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral ~ London. UK

Life is Life

And Death

Well Death is Death

What happens in between 

Is up to us

However

Once it's done

It's done

There is no going back

The hands of time are fixed

In Place

If we want to make a 

Change

It's for our future

Not our past

Trust me 

The past 

Isn't a place 

You want to get 

Stuck in

Unless you seek 

An early Grave

But remember

This life isn't

A childhood game

Where you are

Given Extra Lives

If you want

2nd chances 

You earn them

So

Change your Future

And let the Pendulum Swing

Onward

I thought...

I thought he had more time

I thought I could finish the cranes

I thought I could save him

I thought wrong.

Crash and Burn

Its amazing how fast one can fall 

And crash to their death

On top of the world 

Having it all

When 

In a split second

It's all gone

That high you felt

Could never last so why bother

Trying to make it last

Hope is gone

That spark of faith 

Is quick to fade 

What's wrong with me

Why am I this way

Meaningless words have torn me

Apart

And I 

I let them

Momentarily I had it all

Then I stalled

Crashed

And Burned 

Auto-pilot on

I've lost control

Here I go again 

Will I land safe or

Will I make a 

Suicide mission out of 

The life I continuously

Manage to abuse

Time and time again

I don't know if I 

Can do it 

Anymore as I slowly

Shutdown

And live in 

My auto-pilot world

Where no one 

Will ever know the truth about what

Lies inside

Honestly Honest Honesty

They say Honesty is the best policy
But Honestly,  Honesty has the potential
To ruin damn near everything
Some truths are best untold
And some lies shouldn't be revealed

Once again I've messed up
I was Honest when Honestly
I shouldn't have
They say Honesty is the best policy
But Honestly I disagree

Honesty created wounds
That should have never formed
Apologies can't fix what I've done
They say Honesty is the best policy
But Honestly  I'm not sure anymore

Goodbye Uncle Chuck

A week ago I got the call that there were only days left

But now today after seven of these days his time came to pass

Holding on his heart so strong

I'm angry at God but glad as well

For he was taken too soon but released from his Hell

Mixed are my feelings since I knew this would happen

Slowly the tears are falling 

As I try to hold them back and pretend this is a dream

I can't let go I care too much 

But sadly I feel I didn't show it enough

I could have called and talked to you but that never happened

Now up in heaven there I hope you can see the love I never shared