Sobering Up

Indescribable feelings surge through me

The urge to self-destruct is growing ever strong

Pulse racing from fear and muscles tensing from anger

Will this be the end of me or just the beginning?

Thoughts escape my mind quicker than the sands of time

A vessel without a soul is what I become

Trying to fight without emotion

I feel nothing therefore I am nothing

Numb to the world war wages on

A demon in human form is what I’m afraid I am

The armor is cracking

I am vulnerable to the human elements

Frozen I do not react normally

My eyes like black holes in the universe

Everything disappears before I can register it

Hollow empty I am void

Clearing the fog I witness a new world

A place I want to be

Unattainable until I clean out the skeletons

And cobwebs that live in my head

Life continues moving forward

I’m left wishing it would stop

Just long enough for me to heal

So I can continue with my life

Heart heavy it sits in my stomach

My nerves of steel have turned to rust

Unable to deal I am a prisoner of my mind

Wasting away self-defeated

Climbing the fence one last time

I find relief on the other side

Rain

It’s raining

If I were to open my window

I could listen to each

Drop

As they hit the leaves

Creating a unique lullaby

That only Mother Nature could sing

Rather I sit and listen to the drops

As they ricochet against my window

And the tune is sharp and stings

 In the distance I begin to hear

A crescendo that brings

Thunder

False Death

It feels like you died

I feel like I'm going through the grieving process

It didn't have to be like this

But now as the days pass by I feel as though you are gone

Certain things spark memories and it saddens me

I look through the pictures and listen to songs

And it saddens me until I realize you are in fact not dead

You are very much alive

Although you are alive I feel like I have killed you

Not on purpose

I never could do that to anyone as you know so well

Point is though I might as well have

Even though the double edge sword has pierced us both

If you're thinking

"This is going to hurt me more than you"

You are wrong since I'm so hurt I imagined that you died

Since no longer are you part of my life

But I hope it is merely for a moment

And that in the passing of a day you'll be back

And as much as I will want to ask you

I will have to refrain from asking

"How would you have felt if I had died that night?"

Since I almost did

So you know not the damage you caused

Or even could have caused for that matter

Forever I will carry these scars

As a reminder to myself to not make the same mistake

Funny though how we both made mistakes

Yet our reactions to each other’s mistakes

Are like night and day

I'd do anything to make it right

But I feel this time it's best for me to let nature take its course

So I sit back in my straight jacket fighting

To show you I'm still worthy of friendship

I want to say sorry but

I know sorry won't cut it and you don't want to hear it

Your anger towards me I understand

But I would have preferred if you beat me physically

Compared to how you are messing with me now

Causing so much damage to us both

Seriously though I feel as if you are dead

I've shed my tears for you

Talked about memories of you

Texted knowing I'd get no response

Things will probably never be the same

Even if I promise not to make this mistake again

Somehow though I know things will work out

So until we meet again

I miss you, take care

Isolation

Isolation stings

Especially when you are alone in a group

It sends a chill to the heart

That disperses throughout the body and mind

 My body goes numb from the chill

And I wish to feel something if just for a moment

No matter what I have to do

I have goals but still I struggle

Few share my struggle

But those who do know the sting of Isolation

Slowly it kills me taking some life with

Every chill that pumps through my system slowing

My heartbeat

Fogging my mind with plaguing thoughts

This isolation works as a form of poison

Immune to the antidotes that I had previously used

I knew it was only a matter of time before that happened

At least for now its effects are slowed by my body

Reacting trying to fight the fallout that is sure to occur

Solitary confinement of the mind in a place full of life

Is no way to live yet, it is how I live

Do as I say not as I do

When you look at my life don’t follow suit

This poison is mine and is not to be taken

Self-destruct Mode

There’s anger inside me and I can feel it building pressure

I’m self-destructing quicker than I ever thought I would

The fuse is just waiting to be lit

How much longer can I hold on

The match was struck and is burning down

Guiding my hand I hold it above the fuse

Playing God with my right to chose

Sssss….The fuse is burning down

I’m self-destructing

Imploding on myself

Time can only tell how long it will be until I break down

Razor at hand I feel the rush of knowing what I could do

Gently I set it on my skin as my mind sinks down

I begin to think about if this is the right thing to do

Just a little pressure that’s all it takes

To erase all that I’ve worked toward the past few months

It gives me a chill to sit with so much power at hand

I’m waiting for a reason to resist this urge

I’ll give it five minutes until I cut

Zzzt zzzt… My phone buzzes

I found my reason in a simple message

Waiting now I find a focus

Even then the urges carry on

However my focus makes me put the razor back

With no harm done, at least for the day

Mind still racing I think of release

Longing for its sweet relief that comes so easy

There is no telling the damage I could do

If I were to physically self-destruct

I know for sure it would change my being

This time though it would stay ever my secret

So that sadly I could use it to keep on going

Only to have it destroy me in the end

I’m self-destructing

Trying as hard as possible to contain this madness

In order to keep you safe from the fall out

This is the beginning of my phase ten

I pray this is only a dream

But reality keeps letting me know it’s not

 Get back, stay back, I don’t want to hurt you

Let me self-destruct and pick up the pieces

For now I’m safe but the timer is ticking

First Love

You were my first love and I’ll love you forever

Since in you I was able to find someone just like myself

I gave you my heart and you never broke it

You were there for me when I needed you most

You were my first love

And even though we may no longer be a couple

The love we still share is uniquely ours

I wear a reminder of you and you of me

No matter what happens in our lives

We know that we will always have each other

It’s the pact that was silently made

When we first said I love you

Over the course of our lives we will love others

But never in the same way as we love each other

When we are together I still can feel the strong connection

We understand more than most what the power of love can do

Since our love for one another has kept us safe

Oh so many times

You still can bring a smile to my face quicker than most

You were my first love and I’ll love you forever

8 Months 16 Days

8 months 16 days

It’s weird how time changes things

Not always for the good

This far in and it shames me to say that

That well my day isn’t going so good

And to be honest I’ve come pretty close to slipping

Why is it that while I’ve come so far I now can’t ask for help

What’s wrong with me

Do I have too much pride

I contemplate the consequences

Can I make it to a year or am I just kidding myself

Weigh the options and find that for now I’m safe

But how much longer do I have before

I slip