Sometimes I just need to write myself a letter. Last March I wrote a letter to myself that you can read below; the title of it was" 5'11" not quite 6' feet deep." Pandora's Box was emptied or so I thought. My life felt like there was nothing left for me in the world. Pandora's Box wasn't empty though all the bad had left but in the bottom of the box there was Hope. I used that hope to pull me out of the hole that I had dug for myself.

"Why do we wait for something to happen before we take action so it doesn't happen again? Why don't we act before the chance for something to go wrong gets the open door of opportunity? Kurt Cobain said "No one dies a virgin because Life F***s us all". Thinking about it he couldn't be more right. So much evil happens in the world. We could speak up and try to stop it but most of the time we hide in the shadows. Why don't we stand up and fight? We are human therefore we feel,lately though we have become desensitized by the media and the world around us. They tell us that it's ok to be numb, they tell us its ok to do everything we can to reach rock bottom. Thing is when we get there the world turns their back on us faster then a bullet. Ironically as fast as the world can turn their back on us is how fast we can leave this world...at the speed of a bullet. Thing is though not every bullet is meant to kill so the world or society is left to make sense of what happened only to be left feeling guilty and looking for someone else to blame. Problem is that sometimes the only person we can blame is ourselves. We are left with "what ifs" and "I should haves" trying to make sense of them only lets us dig our own grave. At times I'd take the grave over this world that devours souls. When the process of thought says that the grave is better then the world we live in things aren't right. I know because too many times I've found myself digging my own grave, only to get pulled out by people who I would have never guessed in a hundred years would be pulling me out. Some of these people I know well and some I barely know. Thing is they were brought into my life when I needed them. The worst part about having people pull you out of a hole a pit or your own grave it that once you are back on your own two feet you forget about what those people did to help. Whether they sacrificed little or a lot to your cause your life they still helped and instead of thanking them we walk off as if nothing happened. Everyone has a vice that keeps the world from seeing who we really are. No matter what though something or someone pulls us through. It can be friends, family, Religion, music, art, whatever. For me the thing that has pulled me through the most has been Religion or Friends, because with that I have been able to open my eyes to what I've been missing in my life. Do I still fall yes do I still at times find myself reaching for the shovel or even looking at my hands and think "Let's dig" of course. It takes time to reprogram the mind into thinking that it's ok to stand firm on solid ground. If you didn't know already I've battled depression, self-injury, suicide, and OCD. Some of those things I still fight. That is just part of who I am does it make me any different then you or someone else? No it doesn't. Too long I have been silent and let the Stigmas of what I've been through pull me down. To that I say no more. Releasing myself from my chains I am Free. It's ok to have battled things in life, because it is true that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. In all honesty though I really should take a moment to thank those who have helped me get to where I am today. All of my good friends who have stuck by me thank you. To the people from TEC who I've been able to meet and talk to thank you. To all the people my path has crossed with who helped me in some way or form thank you(even someone from TX who befriended me thank you). We take for granted that our lives can change at a moments notice. Caught up in the hustle and bustle of life we forget to say thank you or show gratitude, and people are ok with that. Or maybe sometimes we get intimidated by something like just being around someone who emits light from their soul. I myself have found myself paralyzed in this intimidation when faced with talking about my life...I can't call people, I have trouble writing people, I even have trouble talking to people. The people who I have written, talked to, or even possibly called are really the only people who I trust enough with what I tell them to not be given the third degree by them. If people have questions I'll try to answer the best I can.That's all I can do is try. Point is even if you don't have the will to try someone else will attempt to pull you up and give you a helping hand. This I know from all the times I've been pulled up by others because they still saw a shimmer of hope in me. You can only hide for so long before things overflow and others take notice. I lasted awhile hiding in the darkness, but now seeing the light and living in it has flipped me around 180 degrees. Bad things however still happen. Dealing with the bad is where I go wrong in life instead of talking about it or doing something about what has happened I automatically put all the blame on me even if it wasn't my fault, so that way no one else has to feel bad or upset about what happened. Then I punish myself if others haven't already. I will attack myself emotionally, mentally, and/or physically. Is it the right thing to do not at all. Do I feel better after attacking myself? Sadly I do but it is only a pseudo effect that eventually wears off leaving me feeling hollow and dead."

The way I ended that letter might seem blunt, but when I would read the letter I would pretend that it wasn't me who had written the letter. So then I could use that jolt of concern and apply it to myself once I'd come back to the reality that I wrote the letter. Sometimes that's all it takes is a letter to yourself that helps get you through the tough times.

Have I gotten better about dealing with things when they go wrong? Yes. Yes I have, but that doesn't mean that I don't slip up every now and again...sometimes relapse just happens. Self Injury, Eating Disorders, Depression, Suicide, Addiction...these are real things. I know we like to pretend that they aren't real, but sadly they are. As long as you have Hope these demons cannot over take you. So I guess that is my message today...just have Hope.