Mistakes

So I haven't blogged in a a couple days... oops. Whatever though anyway I'm freezing my ass off in beautiful MN and I'm thinking about mistakes and the ways in which I deal with them.  Sometimes it's easy to accept the fact that I messed up and I can move on. While other times I feel like the world is going to end because of my mistakes. Finding the balance and the ability to realize that mistakes happen and that not everything is my fault takes a lot of work. Sometimes I wish I could just runaway to somewhere that is warm and full of love and good company. But that would do me no good at all since I need to be here in reality.

Lately I've made quite a few mistakes, some worse then others. So now I am left to try make sense of what happened and figure out how I'm going to deal with them. With some it is easier to make amends then with others and even the ones you make amends with don't always work out the same again. Seriously though what good will it do if I beat myself up over one tiny mistake...no good can come from it I'm only making myself sicker and worse by doing so.

I love the feeling of being invincible, like no matter what I do I can't get hurt. So when I do get hurt it definitely  puts things into perspective once again there can be a good and a bad to this situation. We only get one life yet I choose to mess with mine as if what happened to them can't happen to me since I am invincible, but the armor can only take so many hits before it cracks and allows for worse things to happen. I was always taught that to ask for help or cry was to show weakness, so now I'm a 17yr old girl who can't cry when she finds out a relative has died or can't ask for help when she needs it the most.

I'm broken. Not right by the standards of what it means to be human. My hands are almost always cold to the touch yet my fingertips at times are numb along with most of my body, so I am able to grab logs from a fire or reach into icy water. Once more allowing myself to believe that I am in fact invincible. And maybe I am invincible but if I'm not (I'm pretty sure I'm not) if I believed enough that I was invincible it could lead to the biggest mistake of my life. 

So many thing can happen in life and that is why life is great and why it sucks. We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow but we have to trust that everything will work out. I'm not going to lie sometimes I wish I wouldn't wake up but I do and things work out. Some days I wish I could eat more then so many calories and not worry about what it could do to my body, or worry about how much I'm going to have to exercise or restrict the next day, but something always pulls me through. Some days I just wish I could get the courage talk to a friend about whats going on. There are so many things I wish I could do or could happen, but the important thing is to try and not allow them to consume me. I am stronger then my weaknesses I just have to believe it myself, then I can win this battle.